Not TMI, but almost certainly more than you wanted to know

More in the realm of naval gazing, I guess.

When an online friend recently noted her intention to leave Twitter and just update on Facebook, I told her I'd miss her because I'm not on Facebook. In discussing why, I mentioned that I'd rather be anonymous online with unrestricted access, than have a profile using my real name with access limited to a few favorite people. Jokingly, I said that I prefer the strangers I meet online to the people I know/knew in real life.

I've been living in my original family home for over 3 months now. I rarely leave the house, and I'm really fine with that. I've mentioned before that I left this town the day after I graduated from high school and rarely returned. There's a very good reason for that. I never liked it here and, though I was actually part of the "popular" crowd, there were very few people that I sincerely liked. Maybe 3.

Now, that's not counting my extended family. My mother has 5 brothers and sisters, so I've got a lot of cousins and we're fairly close considering I usually just saw them just once every year or two since I left home. They're a lot of fun, this group.

But I have practically nothing whatsoever in common with any of them except a shared history.

You know, the difference between liberal and conservative isn't just a matter of politics. It's about values. Theirs is similar to the overwhelmingly vast majority of people who live in the South. Mine...are not. I don't fit in here. Never did. It's why I left, and don't come back often.

Except for now, when I'm pretty much stuck here, though hopefully not for more than another couple of months, tops. There's a slim possibility that I may have to stay here through the end of June. If so, I will very likely have only shreds of sanity left. And not just because I want to travel, but because I'd prefer being almost anywhere else but here.

One of the reasons I'm loathe to chance running into people from my past is that I'm pretty sure I won't recognize them. In most cases, I won't even remember them, which turned out to be the case with the real estate agent we have handling a piece of family property I'm in charge of. This is all kinds of embarrassing.

But, you know, I've met all kinds of people since I left here many years ago. And, not that I even remember all of them, but they've kind of supplanted the people I went to high school with. While the people here have spent the last few decades mostly knowing the same people they've known forever.

Also, I know I've admitted this before, I tend to be just completely oblivious. I knew my friends, and though that circle changed a little bit now and then, it still didn't amount to any large number of people. I knew a few of my brother and sister's best friends but, again, we aren't talking about a lot of people.

I come from a fairly small rural area, where so many people are related to each other. I knew my first cousins, and a small handful of second cousins. So even in this small community, I didn't even know all of my relatives. I have a first cousin who knows just everybody, and everybody's business. I'm not that type of person, my real life world is always tiny.

However, due to the whole "popular crowd" thing and the fact that my father happened to be pretty much the biggest fish in this extremely small pond while I was growing up, a great many people know me - or of me. And I have no fucking clue who they are.

Anyway, no matter where I live, I tend to gravitate to favorite familiar spots. Although I thoroughly enjoy driving back and forth across the country, I hate fighting local traffic. And I avoid crowds whenever possible.

In addition to all of that, I have no problem spending enormous amounts of time in whatever nest I've made for myself and can go for long periods of time before getting cabin fever. My two favorite hobbies, reading and hanging out on my computer, are both solitary activities.

What all of that amounts to is I can live in places like Los Angeles, Las Vegas or New York for years, and personally be familiar with only a handful of places. I am capable of being in a place without actually being a part of it.

Except for two non-consecutive semesters, my college education was in one place. But I made no real friends there during that entire time. I was friendly with my roommates and 1 suite mate during the two semesters I lived in the dorm, but I never saw any of them once I got my own place. I had lots of friends in that city, that I either knew before or met through my sister and her boyfriend, but not one from the school.

Plus, I am perfectly comfortable moving to a place where I don't know a soul, and continuing to live there without knowing anyone at all. Which I've done in all of the places mentioned above. Or, even if I am actually acquainted with someone, still not seeing them much at all.

The first time I lived in Las Vegas, I went over to visit some family friends. And the woman, who was much older than I was, mentioned that my sister used to visit them all the time when she lived there but they rarely saw me. Well, my sister will always prefer to go out, rather than stay in. And if she is looking for company, she's not really particular about whether she has anything in common with someone. We can both talk to anyone, but the difference is that she will almost always actually enjoy it, while I will just do it to be polite.

So, all of this is by way of saying that I don't want anyone from my past to be able to find me online. I left my past behind, and I am not in the least bit interested in resurrecting it in any shape or form. There is maybe one person I might be interested in talking to, and I can probably find her if I try hard enough. And the maybe not so weird thing is that she was not originally from this area, as were so many people when I was growing up.

I am looking forward to meeting some of the people I know from online. I'm looking forward to exploring places on foot and using public transportation, because I'm still not wild about traffic. When I start traveling, I won't really have much of a nest, so I will spend more time going out than staying in, and I find that very exciting. I can't wait to get to know places and people so different from where I grew up.

I can't wait to spend time in places, and with people, I choose - rather than those I got stuck with by an accident of birth. And I'd love to get to know even more people than I am familiar with already. Up until now, I have always been more of an observer, rather than a participant. I'm ready now to start participating a little more. Not here, though. And not with these people.

In order for more people from the rest of the world to find me, though, my profiles have to allow for unlimited access. At the same time, the best way to keep anyone from my past from finding me is to keep my real name off the Internet. And truthfully, privacy fanatic that I am, I don't want it on there anyway.

So, what all of this adds up to is staying anonymous. And I don't know that you can be anonymous on Facebook. It's kind of counter to the main idea of having people find you. Maybe, though, I can sign up with a nom de plume. I mean, what's in a name, after all? And yet...

I've heard soooo very many horrible things about Facebook, I'm just not sure I want to go there.

So maybe all this is moot anyway. Like most naval gazing.