Looking Back

It occurred to me, for the first time ever, that there might actually be some merit in looking back at a past year to see the big picture. Although I make a conscious effort to maintain perspective, I tend to deal with a less than perfect present by looking toward the future. So tonight, all comfy with a glass of wine, I'll look back at what the past year held for me personally. I can tell you that the ending has been uncomfortable, but maybe that's not the worst place from which to start a New Year. Lots of room to move up from here.

January found me in Las Vegas, living with my daughter. My mother had finished rehab for her stroke on the 5th and I brought her to my sister's house in Carson City, staying several days to help them get settled. The last couple of months of 2009 had been a little strained, with my determination to spend part of every day with my mother halfway across town taking a toll on my energy level.

Is it my fate to finish every year the hard way? I sincerely hope not. Although, in the grand scheme of things, if one is going to have to endure difficult times, is there a "best" time of the year to do so? Anyway... 

The next three months were some of the best of the last ten years for me. My daily life was pleasant, and I had the freedom of time to myself without obligations on a regular basis. My worries were few. I was the happiest, the most content, that I'd been in a decade. Then everything came crashing down into a big messy heap.

By April, amidst a great deal of emotional turmoil and fractured relationships, I was moving halfway across town for a couple of months to help a troubled 7 year old get herself back on track. It wasn't too bad of a time, though it held a few extra challenging moments.

Beginning of June brought me to Carson City, where I'd been spending a weekend every month to give my sister a bit of a respite from being sole primary caregiver for my mother. It was a little tough having to ride herd on a nervous invalid and energetic 7 year old for a month or so. But then we all took a nice vacation in July to visit family in Louisiana. We stayed in New Orleans, hung out a bit in the French Quarter, and the vacation was a huge success.

From then until October, I was in Carson City. My sister and I shared responsibility for my mother, we each had our own rooms in a cozy little home, and life was quite pleasant. We took a trip down to Las Vegas for a few days to visit family and had a very nice time.

However, a good bit of June to October was marred by the stress of trying to get compensated by BP for damages due to the oil spill. That came to a pleasantly abrupt end when the federal government took over claims processing and our full reimbursement was deposited, no questions asked, in late September. The mountains of documentation I'd provided seemed to be adequate after all.

There was also a temporary, then more lasting, repairing of one of the aforementioned fractured relationships. And, just recently, there are signs indicating the full circle may finally be on its way to being completed. I'm hoping the New Year will see that take place.

By mid-October, we were on the move again. Moving a wheelchair bound invalid halfway across the country, particularly when taking a quick vacation *all* the way across the country as part of the move, certainly has its full share of stress. Add another elderly relative into the mix and I had my hands overfull.

An ill advised discussion of verboten topics on the first night, when the host was slightly under the influence, only served to completely ruin the relationship between favorite uncle and niece. None of the friendly behavior since has made so much as a smidgen's worth of difference, not even an obviously sincere apology on the part of the uncle when saying goodbye at the airport. It's not so much a matter of forgiveness, there's nothing of any importance to forgive. It's more a matter of finding out that someone really is not at all who you thought they were. And that's just sad.

From mid-October through Thanksgiving was a whirlwind of trying to make an old neglected house a home again. There was a sense of accomplishment, and a growing comfort level, in watching it come alive. It was also nice to visit with extended family a few times, see some people I hadn't seen in decades. Going to New Orleans almost every week to spend a night or two was a nice distraction for a while. Then it got to be just tedious.

By Thanksgiving, there was a certain level of frustration due to my inability to find a live-in caregiver for my mother and to the lack of progress I was making in almost anything whatsoever any more. I was spinning my wheels and I didn't like it.

Turns out I liked December even less.

It's not easy taking care of an invalid when you are really, really sick...for two weeks.

And it really sucks when you get a super strength case of head lice that lasts for a month. You hope it lasts for a month, because that means it's over. And that's not 100% certain yet.

Then when you find out that the check you were expecting on the 28th is not coming, you think that's SO not good. Until you find out that this non-trivial source of income may be on hiatus for a few months. Then you *know* what "not good" really is.

So, yeah, December blows.

And yet...

Previous lack of progress doesn't necessarily result in future lack of progress. I mean, I can start doing all the stuff I need to do whenever - I just need to settle down and do it. The beginning of a New Year might not be such a bad time to get started. You know how you get all gung ho at the beginning of the year about stuff, and then it just kind of peters out? Well, I really just need that brief gung ho period. So this may work out okay.

As far as finding a live in caregiver here for my mother, well, maybe that's just not meant to be. Maybe we need to look at other options again. I'm certainly not opposed to taking her away from here. I don't think she'd necessarily be unhappier somewhere else. And all of the improvements I've made here won't go to waste because, if she goes somewhere else, we'll put this place up for sale. The improvements weren't that costly and the property is way more salable with them.

The lice thing is hopefully over and we'll think no more about it. Or so I pray.

The non-trivial revenue stream has done this before and come back from it - though in slightly weakened form, so there's at least a little hope there yet.

So all in all, a little choppy with some brief shining moments. Could be worse. There was a lot of moving around, and some travel. I'd hoped to do some traveling and, if none of it was to destinations of my choosing, it was better than nothing.

Looking over what I've written, I was trying to see if there was anything to be learned. And then I remembered the big epiphany I had this year, but it doesn't seem to be clearly stated up there in my ramblings.

Options.

Think completely outside the box when looking for options. Look far and wide for them. Look in places you would never consider and check everything inside out before deciding that something is impossible.

My mother had a stroke in Louisiana. She spent a month there in various medical facilities before we hit a wall trying to figure out what would be best for her. In the end, I flew out and brought her to Las Vegas. The people in Louisiana found this a little extreme, though they were very helpful in expediting the move. Fortunately for us, moving people back and forth across the country does not seem extraordinary in the least, because it worked out beautifully.

Our family 1st grader had a great deal of difficulty adjusting to her new school in Louisiana, to the point of almost failing when previously she'd always been a very good student. Once more, we whisked her back across the country to her original school and she finished 1st grade just fine. 

Sometimes going somewhere new helps, sometimes going back to something old helps.

We're trying the something old now for my mother, with no luck so far. It may be time for something new again. Or someplace new in a familiar location. Combinations are okay. Almost anything is okay. Just keep an open mind. And open your mind to new ideas no matter how ridiculous they may seem at first.

It's so amazing to me, when I remember how much garbage you had to get through in online searches to reach anything remotely useful, what a freaking treasure chest the Internet is today. And still, we get so used to having global access to so much that we already know is out there that we forget just how much we don't know anything about. And *that* is where the options start getting interesting. When you venture into completely unknown territory.

2010 was a little rough for me. But I'm really excited about 2011. I may not be venturing where no man has gone before, but I am determined to go where I have never gone before and do things I haven't done before. I'm literally bubbling with excitement over the fact that there are options I haven't even discovered yet.

So 2010 is done, I'm over it. Next.