Delayed Gratification, NOT Putting My Life on Hold

One thing I am trying very hard to do, and it's been an overarching theme in my life lately, is to enjoy where I am at any given time. Instead of constantly obsessing over where I'd really like to be - which, for the past few years, has been Europe.

The problem, for me, is that I am so familiar with the places I've been living the last decade and I'm now yearning to experience some very different environments...but can't quite yet. Or rather, I could, but am choosing to fulfill a couple of obligations first.

And it's kind of hard not to think that, given the train of events, that fate is taking a hand.

For the last several years, and particularly the last year in Florida, I've been mostly responsible for my mother. When my younger daughter informed me, several months ago, that she could really use my help, it was time to make other arrangements. This was not really a problem, because my sister wanted my mother to go live with her and my mother wanted to go live with my sister.

Problem solved.

Except, just as I was delivering her to my brother for one last month long visit, my mother had a stroke.

I mean, literally, it's been determined that she had the stroke at some point during the 5 hour drive from Florida to Louisiana.

Soooo...that, naturally, postponed my departure.

Still, there was a definite deadline at which time I needed to be at my daughter's house, and I finally began my cross country road trip. About 3 weeks later than planned.

After spending an entire year alone with my mother, except when traveling and the odd visit from my brother with or without some of his family, and 3 weeks staying with her in the hospital - including all by myself during the worst part of when she had pneumonia, I felt no guilt upon turning that responsibility over to my siblings.

I sincerely felt, and still do, that I had done all that could have been expected of me. No one disagreed, or denied the fact that my daughter's need was of a higher priority while my siblings could take over with my mother.

Here's the thing that I haven't probed too deeply into, though.

While I love my family dearly, and enjoy being close to them, I would have loved taking a quick trip to Europe in between mom and daughter. Loved it more than I can even tell you here. I mean, it would have sustained me for a great long time - and I had the time. Two weeks, with time to spare on either end. It would have been more than enough. Until my mother had her stroke.

Okay, that was a little delay, BUT there was actually a second chance. A space of about 10 days in October when my daughter didn't actually need me here. Not quite as good as 2 weeks, but I would have been more than happy with it. More than happy. Particularly since October is one of my favorite months to be in Europe.

But I got the bright idea to move my mother to a rehab facility here in Las Vegas. And all of those available days would be perfect for me to spend with her while she adjusted to her new place.

It was a great idea, and it's working out well for everyone. My brother and his wife no longer have the burden of commuting half an hour each way to spend every day with her because they are her only relatives in the area. Here, we have gobs of people to drop in, and I can stay all day long 4 days a week. Plus, my Mom gets to see most of her grandkids over an extended period of time, which she won't be able to do so much once she moves up to my sister's house. Which should be no later than the 1st week in January.

I'm a little tired but, hey, it's just for a couple more months.

Of course, I'm not interested in going to Europe in January. Or February. Maybe late March.

In the meantime, all the activities I had planned for the 4 free days I had every week have been pretty much on hold.

When I first came back to Las Vegas this time, I was truly amazed at how much more pleasant it was than the last time I lived here - which wasn't all that long ago. But, really, my daughter only needed me for a few hours a day a few days a week. The rest of the time, I could start reclaiming the life I'd pretty much put on hold for the last few years while I was responsible for my mother.

And, by the way, I don't really mean to sound like all that time with my mother was torture. We do have a difficult relationship sometimes but, for the most part, we are fine together. We just don't enjoy very much of the same things, so we didn't really have a whole lot of fun together. And that was every bit as hard on her as it was on me. More so, actually, because she likes to be out and about a LOT more than I do. And there just wasn't much in the small Florida town where we were that I felt was worth getting out for.

That was probably a huge misconception on my part. Probably, if I'd have taken the time to look, there would have been many more things we could have done. But at the time, for the last several months of the year we were there in fact, I was involved in an extremely stressful project that left me little energy or desire to do much of anything. In hindsight, I probably would have been better off looking for things to distract me on a regular basis. We both would have had more fun. Nothing to do about that now, though, except learn from it.

Still, first my mother and now my daughter. Instead of Europe.

I wasn't chafing, though, because I planned to look for diversions all over town in my spare time. And Las Vegas is full of diversions. Even if you don't like to gamble.

However, spending most of almost every day by my mother's side in a rehab facility is making it a little tough to find time for pleasurable diversions. But now that she's had over a week to acclimate to her new surroundings, and there are various people popping in and out to see her, I think I'm going to start taking a little time for myself.

I think I have to.

I do feel like I'm putting my life on hold for a bit, delaying something I want very badly because someone I love needs me. And I don't resent - or regret - it at all. Europe's not going anywhere and I've waited this long, another few months are no big deal.

Also, as I've (half) jokingly tweeted recently, it's not why I'm doing any of this, but I hope it's worth some good karma toward getting what I want later.

But I do need some quality time for myself now. Time to enjoy the activities that I was looking forward to exploring.

I'm hoping it won't be too much longer, late March?, until I can finally do what I want most. But I don't want to spend all that time just looking forward to some future event. As I've been saying, I want to enjoy my present, not live in the past or the future. One's done, and can't be changed. The other is, by by it's very nature, always uncertain. Now is the only thing we can be absolutely sure of and I want to wring every drop of joy from it that I can.

If I do that, then I'm not really putting my life on hold, I'm actually making the most of it.