Will I Ever Learn?

There is stress due to external factors, often beyond your control, and there is stress that you manufacture out of thin air because of stuff you imagine MIGHT happen. Possibilities that may be anything from inconvenient to utterly impossible to deal with. I've been up close and personal with both kinds and I'm telling you that there is no reason whatsoever for the second kind.

Seriously, I do not have any idea what it will take for this lesson to sink in. If shit happens, then you deal with it. You can anticipate developments and try to create solutions to them, but just worrying whether they will happen? A total waste of time.

I am exhausted from the stress of the last 4 days, and you know what? NOTHING HAPPENED!!! Not one single thing happened over the last 4 days to knock our course of action off track.

And, you know what else? It wouldn't have been that big of a deal if something had gone wrong, because I had an incredible 4 day cushion to deal with any problems. Yet, here I am, a major wreck.

Here's the deal.

Wednesday morning, I flew from Las Vegas to New Orleans. Rented a car, drove about an hour to Baton Rouge.

My flight was supposed to land at 3:55 p.m. and I was afraid that, by the time I got a shuttle to the rental car place and got out of there, I'd get stuck right in the middle of rush hour traffic. Even though the airport is right on the edge of town in the direction I was heading in. Also, it was very cloudy and it seemed to be worse in the direction I was heading. So, lots of possibilities for icky stuff, including accidents because of wet roads.

The reality was, I had a smooth non-stop flight, got a car and was well outside of town by 5:01 p.m., and it didn't start raining until I was all cozy in bed that night. No problems whatsoever.

Now, the purpose of my trip was to pick up my mother and bring her to Las Vegas, which I have done many times in the past. Except this is the first time I've tried it since she had her stroke. She can move the fingers on her right hand but can't lift her arm. She can drag her right leg and pivot, but she can't walk.

She can't walk.

Suddenly, everything is a thousand times more complicated. Getting her from the car to a wheelchair requires assistance. As does getting her from the wheelchair to the airplane seat. As does...taking her to the bathroom.

There are no words to describe the dread I had about taking on the responsibility of this trip all by myself. Last night I found myself wishing I could just fast forward to this evening - right about now - when it was all over. Without even realizing it, I had spontaneously fallen into a fervent prayer. It was a really, really simple one. "Please help me get through tomorrow."

And, again, NOTHING HAPPENED. Yep, my prayer was answered.

There were guys to help her out of the car and into the wheelchair, and to help with the luggage, a wonderful woman to help in the bathroom and another wonderful guy on the plane. Landing in Las Vegas, there a couple of wonderful women at the plane and a great guy to help with the luggage.

The flight was non-stop, we took off in beautiful weather and landed in an even more gorgeous climate and environment. No problems on either of my flights or during the trip. NOT ONE.

A literally flawless trip, I could not have designed it to be more perfect.

But I have been wound waaayyyy too tight for over 4 days now. For no reason.

My mother had a stroke. Then she got aspirational pneumonia, again while I was alone with her. It was very touch and go for a little while. There's a good reason for stress, if you're looking for a prime example.

So I know the difference between a major stress inducer and a non-existent one. Why, then, does the stress feel the same?

I must be one hell of a fine stress manufacturer. I can create it out of thin air, out of nothing at all. The question is why?

I have no answer.

My mother's stroke left her paralyzed on her right side and unable to speak intelligibly. Except when she's tired, she can now speak so that I am able to understand her without even having to strain. She can lift and drag her right foot, move the fingers on her right hand.

All of that is after a little over 3 weeks of therapy. Medicare and her supplemental insurance will pay for another almost 80 days, as long as she continues to improve. That she has come this far in such a short time gives me great hope as to what she can accomplish over such a long period. All of that, imo, is cause for joy.

She had a stroke, got pneumonia and has survived with the possibility of regaining enough function to enjoy a very reasonable quality of life. She is here in Las Vegas where 6 of her 8 grandchildren, 2 of her 3 great-grandchildren and one of her sisters can visit with her all the time. Even now, in the shape she's in now, she can laugh and talk and enjoy her family. Even if she never got any better than she is now, there is still so much she can enjoy. Every little bit of function she gains increases that exponentially.

I don't even remember what I was worried about. I'm not even sure if it was anything specific or just a general dread of what seemed would have to be an incredible ordeal. Whatever it was, it didn't materialize. Just the stress that I brought upon myself. For no reason. And which I am having a really hard time getting rid of, even now when I am here in my familiar bed, able to get the peaceful rest I was fantasizing about last night.

I've always been kind of fond of the phrase, "hope for the best, prepare for the worst". But preparing is not the same thing as going batshit crazy because some unnamed something might happen.

This is one lesson I'd really like to nail sometime in the very near future. I'm tired of wasting precious time turning myself into one huge exposed nerve ending because of some vague possibility that probably won't happen in the first place and, even if it does, probably won't be as bad as I expected. In my personal experience, it rarely is.

Which reminds me, I've been thinking the next couple of months will be pretty tough, too, because I plan to be at the rehab facility every day while she's there. All day long 4 days a week and from around 3 p.m. on the other 3. My mom doesn't like to spend a whole time alone under any circumstances, but in a strange environment where she doesn't know anyone it's even worse for her.

But it's a 25 minute drive from here to there, although a fairly easy one. And then I will be spending many hours in a medical facility, which I usually try to avoid like the plague. But I'll bring my computer, and she's in therapy 3 hours a day. It's a lovely facility, too, with great views of the mountains and nice patios to enjoy the glorious weather we're currently having.

It could all be soooooo very much worse. I hope I can learn to keep that in mind.